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| First Tough Situation Since Reconciliation | |
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| Topic Started: Jan 30 2010, 10:17 PM (415 Views) | |
| Grateful1 | Jan 30 2010, 10:17 PM Post #1 |
Over 100 posts
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Hi All, Today was the day for the first test of new boundaries and problem solving process we agreed to. The good news is, I feel fine despite the events this evening. The "I'm not sure what this means" news is that I don't know what this means, if anything, in the big picture. Husband came over today to spend time here at home with us. As we were getting ready to take our son to dinner, son got upset because he wanted to go to a restaurant but husband chose another. Husband tells son that he needs to come down from his room and go OR he will have X consequence. Husband informs me afterward that the consequence is one that I would have to enforce all day tomorrow since husband does not live here, so it's all on me. I very calmly said that I would support his decision regarding the consequence but that I wasn't comfortable with his committing me to enforce a consequence all day tomorrow on my own. This made him upset (he feels I am not supporting his parenting decisions- a big issue for us in our marriage) and he was moody throughout our dinner and when we got home. I worked on my boundaries (went on with the meal, was pleasant, etc.). When we got home, husband continued to freeze me out by hanging out with our son and giving me the cold shoulder (the usual method of letting me know he's irritated). I finally asked him to talk but he was highly defensive and it was going nowhere fast. He has always been very defensive when it comes to just about anything he feels is criticism. Basically he ended up calling the time out (part of our problem solving process) and he went back to his place. We'll see what happens in the AM. We have both made good progress but clearly he is still stuck in this hyper-sensitivity to anything that feels like criticism. Ugh. |
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| Jake | Jan 31 2010, 08:25 AM Post #2 |
Over 10 posts
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Dear Grateful1 Just wanted to offer support and good thoughts as you awaken this morning and face the day. I think it is wonderful that you feel the peace or whatever you would call it inside. I think it is normal to experience these kind of set-backs or challenges. In fact, I wonder if things can get better if they dont happen? It seems to me that we have to learn to deal with these kind of normal everyday things and do something different. I think that PD's must really need to do something different. Hold on to your boundaries and keep at it. You are not alone! 
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| I wasn't allowed to pick my nose when I was a kid, but if I could have, I would've picked a smaller one--Ziggy | |
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| Grateful1 | Jan 31 2010, 12:31 PM Post #3 |
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Over 100 posts
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Well he came over this AM (and is currently here). Why must he always go to the bad place immediately? Nothing outwardly argumentative, but still cold shouldering. I said something about the argument last night and how it did not have to be a major issue, but that I'd like to be consulted before decisions that impact me are made. It's okay right now, but holy cow he is so sensitive to anything he perceives as criticism. He has to go back to the doc this week and I will be interested to see if he ends up going on the mood stabilizer that was recommended. After/during a disagreement, he has a tremedously difficult time not making it into a relationship deal breaker. Thanks for the comments Jake... one day at a time. |
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| oneflewover | Jan 31 2010, 01:15 PM Post #4 |
Over 1000 posts
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Let's stop and think about this some..... Do you believe that he was out of line for coming down on your son for being upset over the restaurant choice? And once you husband made the decision to exercise a consequence with your son, do you believe it was right? I guess I ask these questions because if you both are to reconcile here, coming together as parents is a "biggie". And believe me, there will be times where you need to have a consequence in place with your son where you will want the back up from your husband. However, your two are living apart, so these standard accepted practices don't always apply. And as you stated, "I wasn't comfortable with his committing me to enforce a consequence all day tomorrow on my own." The 'on my own' is what I honed in on here. But if reconciliation is in the works.....this lacks teamwork Grateful1. Do you think you are playing totally fair here? It is as if you are saying, "as long as we are living apart, you are on your own with this because I am." Hope you don't mind me flipping that but sometimes we have to look at it from a different angle in order to understand maybe what the PD is thinking. I can kind of sort of understand his reaction somewhat. I don't know, what do you think? 
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| Grateful1 | Jan 31 2010, 03:12 PM Post #5 |
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Over 100 posts
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 Thanks OFO... I don't mind you flipping it at all! I post here for many reasons, one of which is getting good objective feedback.It's a weird situation to be sure. To answer your questions, yes I think my son needed a consequence because he was being pretty whiny and defiant so my husband was doing the right thing in my opinion. Yes, I also think the consequence was fair with the exception of it being difficult to enforce for the length of time he planned it to be. So in both cases, I don't disagree with him. I guess I was feeling that he was asking me to follow through without him being here and the consequence was one that would have resulted in a ton of whining, all day. Yes- I could suck it up and deal with it (the following through with it). I think you're right OFO. Thanks for pointing it out to me  I do tend to walk our son through issues in an effort to teach him problem solving whereas my husband tends to be far more top down. We have different parenting styles to be sure, and that's something I am working on accepting. It's odd because my husband tells me he is very glad that I am our son's Mom because I do work with him/teach him coping strategies vs. my husband's experience as a child (shame and blame or ignore). Thanks OFO! Other things happened later today which I'll write about more later. He's still holding on to some pretty significant frustration around my not having another child a while back. He wanted multiple kids, but I didn't feel our relationship was stable enough to do that (something our therapist agreed with at the time). I'll leave that for another time. |
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| Jake | Jan 31 2010, 08:00 PM Post #6 |
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I dont know if everyone's S.O. is like that, but my wife sure is. She is so sensitive to anything. From all my learning, that is a critical part of AVPD. I did not know that maybe it was as sensitive a part of other PD's. I guess it makes sense to me. I appreciated what oneflewover said about the parenting. I do think though that coming together means that there needs to be a greater consensus on discipline. I have a hard time supporting some of the things that my wife does with the kids and her expectations of me. For example, she chose to leave the home for about 3 months period of time. During that time, she did not call and talk to the kids and she did not continue her interactions with them. It was odd. When she came back, they did not listen to her but they still listened and responded to me. She asked me to help her get them to listen to her. The way she wanted me to do it was not acceptable. I was not going to punish them for not listening to her. However, I told her that I would talk to them and back her as she worked on rebuilding the relationship with them. I dont know if that totally applies, but it seems to be that for co parenting to be successful, you have to be able to support each other. If I cannot enforce a consequence that she puts in place (or visa versa) it won't work. It is better not to put anything in place, IMO, then to put in consequences that you will not or cannot enforce. Usually in my case, my wife agrees to support me and then does not follow through. Oh well, good thinking through it all. Hang in there! |
| I wasn't allowed to pick my nose when I was a kid, but if I could have, I would've picked a smaller one--Ziggy | |
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| Grateful1 | Feb 1 2010, 08:13 PM Post #7 |
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Over 100 posts
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Thanks Jake. Good points! I don't know anymore about the validity of a PD for my husband but I do think that if it is so, it would likely be AVPD. The behavior of your wife sounds familiar on some of your posts. Thanks for your insight:) |
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| oneflewover | Feb 1 2010, 11:32 PM Post #8 |
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Over 1000 posts
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What was the resolution here Grateful1? Did you end up re-enforcing your hubby's consequences with your son? |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| Grateful1 | Feb 2 2010, 06:57 AM Post #9 |
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Over 100 posts
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Funny enough, there was no need because our son not only complied but he loved the restaurant my husband chose and wants to have his birthday there :) Sometimes, it's a worthwhile issue, and sometimes it is much ado about nothing. My husband went to both his doc and his psychologist yesterday and then spent some time with us last night at home. He had a tough week last week at work and I can always tell because he can let that spill over and gets very anxious at home. This was part of it and he acknowledged that last night after talking with his therapist and doc... no med change but a slight increase with should help with his anxiety. One day at a time OFO  Yesterday was a good day.
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| 2bad | Feb 2 2010, 08:59 AM Post #10 |
Over 1000 posts
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I am glad yesterday was a good day. Parenting can be hard even under normal circumstances and I am glad that your son decided he liked the restaurant. That certainly made it easier. My ex and I have rarely been on the same parenting page. It didn't start out that way, but he changed positions multiple times along the way and consistency has never been a strong point. As to be expected, he tends to make all decisions based on whatever emotion he is feeling at that moment and that changes like the wind. His reaction to any given behavior could range from ignoring it and doing nothing to overly harsh and punitive. It is beyond frustrating. I hope you can find a way to reach a common ground. |
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| oneflewover | Feb 2 2010, 11:01 AM Post #11 |
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Over 1000 posts
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Definately one day at a time with these kind of things. His awareness of his work related stresses trickling over into his personal relationships is good. Not to genderize, but men have a hard time separating their work from their "self". It is as they are defined by their work rather than anything else in their life. Maybe his T can work with him at finding a better balance with that. But I am glad that this worked out favorably! |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| FreeAtLast | Feb 5 2010, 09:34 PM Post #12 |
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Over 10 posts
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OneFlew! Good for you in setting your boundaries and sticking to them! Big, big pat on the back for you. I so know how hard that is -- particularly when you have not set those boundaries from the very beginning! It is a huge learning curve for you and of course, your husband (you are still married, right?). And, good job picking up on his passive agressive responses (cold shoulder, etc.). You called it for what it is. This is the first step in getting yourself in a good place and really being honest in your relationship. In setting your boundaries, peacefully but directly, you are giving your relationship a chance to succeed based on honesty and self-respect -- both essential and indispensable in a long-lasting, truly fulfilling and loving relationship. I did try setting boundaries, too. After 18 months of trying, I have to say I "gave up". I finally recognized I could only change myself and could only be honest with my husband in all my interactions and feelings. Sadly, it was my honesty that was unacceptable. Ultimately he could not accept me as a separate, but equal, partner in our marriage or even as parents. It was time for me to accept that fact and move on or else resign myself to a life of uphill struggles in the most basic of marriage contracts -- intimacy, trust, security, honesty. At the end of the day, we just weren't hitting on those key things. The sad part is, I guess, that in my own way (and yes, I must be "co-dependent"), I still love him and think I always will. I simply cannot live a life with him and still be true to myself or my children. I wish it were different, but it just isn't. Enough for now. I'll try to keep up with you. |
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8:48 PM Sep 6
