I still miss him sometimes

Welcome to Out Of The FOG. We hope you enjoy your visit.

You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.

Join our community!

If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

Pages:
1
2

I still miss him sometimes
Topic Started: Feb 1 2010, 08:13 AM (814 Views)
Klarity Belle	Feb 1 2010, 08:13 AM Post #1
Klarity Belle Posts: 929 Group: Moderator Member #3,151 Joined: December 2, 2008	Reading other posts here of folk who are looking at the optiions they have with their PD significant other really tugs at my heart strings. I didn't know so much about PD behaviours or that I was a non, nor did I know very much about setting boundaries to protect myself etc back when I split with my ex Avpd partner around 16 months ago but I remember the deep emotional pain I felt at making the decision to let the relationship go. I really felt/knew I had no other option because I had become so depleted and it was affecting my abilities to be a stable and secure mother to my two daughters. I made the right decision for me and my girls but I really did/do love that guy - I just couldn't cope with his PD. I decided to go completely no contact with my ex around 1 year ago now (that explains why he is so much in my mind right now I think!). I know that NC has really helped me to move on a lot faster than had we stayed in touch. There are days where I do not think of him at all but most days I do wonder where he is and what he is doing, (he travels a lot in a bid to outrun his anxiety I think and to be in a position of maintaining only pseudo intimate relationships). I am at a point now where I genuinely wish him well and hope he is coping as best he can in his life. I have also let go of the hopes I used to hold of him recovering from his PD behaviours and rushing back to me proclaiming all was well! I still have days though, like today where I think of him and I miss him, i miss all the wonderful things about him - the shiny side of the coin and I feel for him too, the weight he has to carry with him because of his PD and the close family life he will not achieve. I feel empathy too for what made him develop his Avpd at the hands of a very abusive and neglectful mother. I feel sad about it all today and rather than pushing that down or rushing off to cover it over with a distraction I thought I would acknowledge it by posting my feelings here. Today is a blue day, but I know tomorrow the sadness will have lifted and I will move on once again
	http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung


gary	Feb 1 2010, 08:42 AM Post #2
Over 1000 posts Posts: 3,341 Group: Admin Member #5 Joined: October 12, 2007	It's good to see it hasn't hardened your heart but is now within WIFI disctance to your brain Edited by gary, Feb 1 2010, 08:50 AM.
	My Book: "That Soul Belongs To Me" My Web Site: Gary Walters Photography My Blog: http://gawalters.com/blog/ " I started out with nothing and have most of it left "


Klarity Belle	Feb 1 2010, 09:04 AM Post #3
Klarity Belle Posts: 929 Group: Moderator Member #3,151 Joined: December 2, 2008	Thanks Gary, I like that image! I do look forward to the day where I can feel good wishes for him but otherwise be emotionally detatched. There is still a part of me hurting and pining and I so wish that healing that part was quicker sometimes. I know it goes far deeper than this last relationship too, so working on accepting it will take time is all I can do for now.
	http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung


oneflewover	Feb 1 2010, 10:58 AM Post #4
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,291 Group: Senior Member Member #5,199 Joined: November 22, 2009	Klarity Belle Feb 1 2010, 08:13 AM I still have days though, like today where I think of him and I miss him, i miss all the wonderful things about him - the shiny side of the coin and I feel for him too, the weight he has to carry with him because of his PD and the close family life he will not achieve. I feel empathy too for what made him develop his Avpd at the hands of a very abusive and neglectful mother. We certainly can have these kind of moments, how can we not? They were a part of our world for a period of time and I think it is not only acceptable but embraceable to have these kind of reflections. I miss my ex too. Sometimes, I do give myself permission to let these sentiments wash over me rather than around me. We are human....aren't we?
	One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis


Gertrude	Feb 1 2010, 01:36 PM Post #5
Over 10 posts Posts: 63 Group: Active Member Member #5,196 Joined: November 21, 2009	I could have pretty much written your post Klarity Belle. At the time I ended it, I thought I was still very much in love with my ex, but I had my daughters to consider - and of course, myself. At a year out, I was pretty much over the pain of him, but found that I had not returned to who I was. There were still a lot of empty holes - but most of them hav ebeen filled now 1 year and 9 months later. I felt myself particularly missing him this Xmas, which surprised me as I hadn't felt that for a while. But every time I think I miss him, I realize I miss the wonderful expectation I had in the beginning of the relationship. I don't miss "HIM" I miss the "what could have been" because when I think of him, I see a small, hurtful child in a grown man's body. That image stays with me more than any others. And it is the image I think that represents him the best. I think that most of my relationship could be characterized by a lot of pain, a lot of strategy and a lot of fear (of him abandoning me when I didn't tow his line) One year is not very long - time will make it easier and easier for you. But it's good that you are honest with yourself. Accept your feelings - no point in fighting them - and no point in second guessing them either. They are what they are. You can stop for that second, reminisce, sigh, and then move on. My feelings about the situation and wishing him well are very similar to yours. That it didn't work out b/c of what his issues are, is one of the biggest regrets of my life. But there is no help for it and I, like you, did the only healthy thing - I ended the relationship. I must admit this - I don't miss him very much anymore - but I still do think about him - more than I would like to. I look forward to the day when I can realize that I got through an entire day without him crossing my mind. Who knows if that will ever happen, given the enormity of the impact that he had on me. Maybe a new, great love will be the thing to make us stop thinking about them.



Klarity Belle	Feb 1 2010, 06:33 PM Post #6
Klarity Belle Posts: 929 Group: Moderator Member #3,151 Joined: December 2, 2008	Thanks for your support OFO and Gertrude. You know now 12 hours or so since I made my original post those feelings are long gone, it really was just moments perhaps half an hour or so of lamenting and then it passed. I feel quite centred again now, strange how these feelings can just sneak up and overwhelm the psyche at times. I do look forward to being a little further along so these moments don't scare me so much! Thanks again.
	http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung


Grateful1	Feb 1 2010, 08:10 PM Post #7
Over 100 posts Posts: 309 Group: Senior Member Member #5,163 Joined: November 1, 2009	Klarity, I can completely relate to everything you were feeling. Thank you for posting... it's always good for me to get your perspective. I am happy you are feeling better!
	Wherever you go, there you are.


Pat 2u2	Feb 2 2010, 01:29 PM Post #8
Over 100 posts Posts: 483 Group: Retired Admin Member #9 Joined: October 13, 2007	Klarity, I'm about 8 years out of the relationship. I understand your feelings and the times of missing the BPD so much. I know I did, and there were times up to a few years ago when I still missed him, the good times, and most of all, the "what could of/should of" been. The good times were just so darned good and so much fun! Now, I am totally out of feelings. For him, about him. I can look at a picture of him, and see why I was attracted, but that's about it. I dont know where he is, I found out about 2 yrs ago he was in extremely poor health, now I dont even know if he is alive or not. I had stayed in contact with one of his sons that I was very close to, and I ended that. And it doesnt matter to me. He is a part of my history. The relationship happened, he occupied about 6 years of my life. Period. In time you will come to these feelings. And I wish you Godspeed in your journey to reach this place. Pat
	"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently." Henry Ford


Klarity Belle	Feb 3 2010, 12:29 PM Post #9
Klarity Belle Posts: 929 Group: Moderator Member #3,151 Joined: December 2, 2008	Thanks for your support Pat2u2. I will get there eventually, I know these things take time. Because the behaviours of avpd are more 'acting inwards' as opposed to outwards, my ex didn't hurt me in that openly abusive way such as an npd or bpd's raging behaviours hurt. Sometimes I wish he had been outwardly abusive because then I could call those memories to mind and think 'good riddance'. I remember my ex with his avoidance and withdrawn behaviours, but also that he was a very sweet, caring and kind person who had been so badly hurt too.
	http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung


Jake	Feb 3 2010, 03:31 PM Post #10
Over 10 posts Posts: 91 Group: Active Member Member #5,229 Joined: December 8, 2009	Klarity Belle, IMO, it is all that is good inside you and about you that makes you feel the way that you do. To have compassion and concern for someone that so impacted your life is admirable to me. I personally hope, I never lose that part of me. Though the feelings may subside and become less intense, I hope as I walk my road, that I still feel some of what you are feeling--compassion for the person with appropriate boundaries! Dont know if that makes sense, but it was on my mind. I think all that is good in you is what is going on here!
	I wasn't allowed to pick my nose when I was a kid, but if I could have, I would've picked a smaller one--Ziggy


Klarity Belle	Feb 3 2010, 08:13 PM Post #11
Klarity Belle Posts: 929 Group: Moderator Member #3,151 Joined: December 2, 2008	That makes perfect sense Jake - thanks for your support. I wobble sometimes and I know you understand why. It is just me looking backwards after a couple of challenging months, a large part of me still wishes that my ex had been the strong, solid partner that I could lean on right now. I have my T session tomorrow and am looking forward to getting back to self focus!
	http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung


Saraa	Feb 11 2010, 01:36 PM Post #12
Over 100 posts Posts: 775 Group: Senior Member Member #5,034 Joined: July 14, 2009	Klarity: I think it is normal for NON-PDs to fluctuate wildly among the feeling of love, hate, depair, and anger. They often question their own motives and blame themselves. Whereas the PD lives in non-empathetic bliss. IMO, early on it is easier to stay in this phase. As other's have mentioned it will likely pass In college, I was involved with a great guy who was heavily into recreational drugs. He kept it secret, from me, his parents and even his best friend, until he could hide it no longer. He was not a Pathological PD. But his drug problem drove us apart. I am a bit of a health nut and watching him destroy him self by introducing toxins into his system was something I could not live with. My nagging about his health led to far too many mind bending circular arguments. After we broke up, it took a while for me to start to be able to look back at the good aspects of him without missing him. But in my experience the missing part does end, particularly with a chosen relationship. A relationship with a non-chosen such as a parent might be more difficult to let go of because children are likely imprinted on their parents. That type of conditioning can be more difficult to break. Edited by Saraa, Feb 11 2010, 01:37 PM.



Klarity Belle	Feb 13 2010, 04:23 AM Post #13
Klarity Belle Posts: 929 Group: Moderator Member #3,151 Joined: December 2, 2008	Saraa thank you so much for your reply, what you say makes a lot of sense. In the beginning just after the breakup I could rapid cycle all those feelings in just a matter of a few hours! Now the painful feelings have subsided and I feel mostly compassion for him and feelings of missing him from time to time - like you say I think this will pass in time. The good thing is that I am no longer deluded and know that his condition is very unlikely to change, I will continue to love from a distance where I cannot be further hurt and one day I will wake up and I will find I am passed it all. He has a non-chosen relationship and this is what caused him to develop his avpd symptoms in order to protect himself. It is so sad how these PD's can pass down the generations. His mother is bpd and her raging behaviours towards him as her chosen 'bad' child caused him to withdraw inside for self protection
	http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung


Saraa	Feb 15 2010, 11:16 AM Post #14
Over 100 posts Posts: 775 Group: Senior Member Member #5,034 Joined: July 14, 2009	Quote: The good thing is that I am no longer deluded and know that his condition is very unlikely to change, It takes time, but I am gladly you arrived at that point. Quote: His mother is bpd and her raging behaviours towards him as her chosen 'bad' child caused him to withdraw inside for self protection It is a sad. And, the fact that you have empathy for him indicates that you have the capacity to feel emotions for people other than yourself. Still, it's important to remember that the PD can not reciprocate similarly.



atwittsend	Mar 24 2010, 12:44 AM Post #15
Over 100 posts Posts: 353 Group: Senior Member Member #5,413 Joined: March 23, 2010	Klarity Belle Feb 13 2010, 04:23 AM Saraa thank you so much for your reply, what you say makes a lot of sense. In the beginning just after the breakup I could rapid cycle all those feelings in just a matter of a few hours! Now the painful feelings have subsided and I feel mostly compassion for him and feelings of missing him from time to time - like you say I think this will pass in time. The good thing is that I am no longer deluded and know that his condition is very unlikely to change, I will continue to love from a distance where I cannot be further hurt and one day I will wake up and I will find I am passed it all. He has a non-chosen relationship and this is what caused him to develop his avpd symptoms in order to protect himself. It is so sad how these PD's can pass down the generations. His mother is bpd and her raging behaviours towards him as her chosen 'bad' child caused him to withdraw inside for self protection I like this... and everyone elses statements... as OFO said embrace those moments. its all part of the process... but also as saraa points out... find comfort in that you CAN feel these things! you are doing great...
	http://nomorefog.wordpress.com/

Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · Chosen Relationships · Next Topic »

Pages:
1
2