I'm new, Grew up with a psychopath

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I'm new, Grew up with a psychopath; growing up with an APD sibling
Topic Started: Feb 7 2010, 01:58 AM (425 Views)
movingforward	Feb 7 2010, 01:58 AM Post #1
Over 10 posts Posts: 38 Group: Active Member Member #5,329 Joined: February 4, 2010	Hello, I'm new to this board. For me I grew up with an older brother with APD, he is a diagnosed psychopath. Maybe I'll start by saying he isn't in my life anymore, and hasn't been since I was 11 or 12 years old, he's been in jail since then and my family moved to keep away from him, currently he is in jail for murder, life-sentance with no parole for 14 years. I only found this out when I searched his name and came up with newspaper articles. I've only recently gone to therapy within the last couple months where I came out for the first time about the things he did to me while we grew up together, which I never expected I'd open up about and I'm 21 years old now. He had all the symptoms you would expect, criminal behavior from a really early age, trouble with police, setting fires, hurting and killing animals including our pets etc., It was scary growing up around him, just with the stuff he did outwardly alone, but then there were also the things he did in secret which no one except my therapist knows about (and I guess now people on boards) There were probably loads of reasons why he chose to victimize me I was 6 years younger, and he may have been jealous also. Although in secret he may have hurt many other people who knows, it was the stuff on the outside including the death threats that got him sent for assesment at the psychiatric hospital when he was just 11 years old. At 11 you can't formally diagnose a psychopath because you have to be 18 but they always said this off-record to us even back then. Psychopaths as everyone on here probably knows are excellent manipulators, add to that the fact that my mom raised us well and that he was really smart, and he knew when to pull the charm and was good at it. Although I don't remember everything he did, and there are large parts of entire years blocked out from my memory, I unfortunately still remember lots of it, and also some stuff that my mom reminds me about which I don't recall. The abuse he directed towards me was emotional, physical, and sexual, all of the above really whatever he felt like. He'd show me what he was capable of to scare me, like hurting our pets and putting the dog in the microwave (the microwave part I blocked out but was told by my mom) I think now he did that in front of me to prove what he was capable of. I was "lucky" because my mom sent him for that assesment when he was 11, and after that point he never lived full time at home, because he was sent to this place for troubled youth, and later young offenders, and was only home for a week at a time or on weekends. Basically at that point the abuse only continued when he was home. Feeling alone is an understatement, when this type of person is pretty rare, no one would really believe it if I told them my brother was a psychopath, I hope that through this board someone else who can relate won't feel so alone, and that I can also relate to some peoples stories. For me as a result, I'm dealing with PTSD, and OCD, although the OCD they can't prove as being caused. I only ended up coming out after I had a flashback, or else I probably never would have said anything to anyone, I don't know if this is true for anyone else on here. Thanks for reading my story! Sorry its so long!



Dancer	Feb 7 2010, 06:25 AM Post #2
Over 10 posts Posts: 44 Group: Active Member Member #5,330 Joined: February 4, 2010	movingforward, Hi again. If you are just recently in therapy, it might take some time before you will feel like it's helping. There's a process to go through where it takes time for you to trust the therapist, and then it takes time to begin to really open up to them. If I were you I would keep going along for a while, get to know the therapist a little more and hopefully the trust will come and then the real work can begin.



Klarity Belle	Feb 7 2010, 09:26 AM Post #3
Klarity Belle Posts: 929 Group: Moderator Member #3,151 Joined: December 2, 2008	Welcome Movingforward I am so glad you have found this board and it sounds like you have a good therapist too. What a frightening environment for you growing up with your brother's cruel behaviours. Thank goodness your mother took him to be assessed while you were still young. Out of the fog has become a sanctuary for me, it is a very safe place to open up and the members here are understanding of these issues and very supportive. Glad to have you here. Klarity Belle
	http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung


gary	Feb 7 2010, 10:03 AM Post #4
Over 1000 posts Posts: 3,341 Group: Admin Member #5 Joined: October 12, 2007	Hi movingforward and welcome to OOTF. Big for you getting into therapy. I didn't have the exact same history as you but some of it. Enough to relate anyway. When I was six I was sexually molested (raped actually) by a cousin for 2 years. Then later by a boyscout leader. I had just survived polio and was probably a good victim. Those things and others shaped my life outcome for many many years in terms of my own self esteem and a host of other issues leading up to my last experience with a BP gf which eventually put me into a hospital with a brakedown. It wasn't her that caused it but what you might call the last straw. At anyrate I am very fine now after about 3 years of good therapy and by being assosiated with 2 very good boards. Oddly enough the sexual abuse kind of got itself worked out in the wash with general thinking and therapy on other issues and as one might think would have been a major factor to get out,,wasn't . Maybe my new self esteem took care of that part...I don't know. Of course like you much of that got blocked out. You also may discover that each event that happened to you may not have to be worked out one by one. That many times one issue worked on is a relative to others and they get sucked out along with that one. Anyway I just want to welcome you and let you know I understand and that a normal life is out there to be had by anyone....Anyone who is willing to do the work anyway and it seems you have made that choice so again Edited by gary, Feb 7 2010, 10:09 AM.
	My Book: "That Soul Belongs To Me" My Web Site: Gary Walters Photography My Blog: http://gawalters.com/blog/ " I started out with nothing and have most of it left "


oneflewover	Feb 7 2010, 12:28 PM Post #5
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,291 Group: Senior Member Member #5,199 Joined: November 22, 2009	Hi there movingforward and welcome! I can only imagine what your childhood must have been like growing up in a family where there is an elephant in the room (your brother and is sickness). I am so sorry for your traumas as a result of what you went through with him. I always think about children who from a very young age exhibit signs and every indication that they are not going to be able to function in society in a normal capacity. It is sad of the childhood that they will never know because of their sickness. Even sadder for the parents/siblings/extended family members who have to come to terms with their relative's illness. None of it is fair and who can possibly understand it in a way that makes any sense. They simply are sick and terribly disordered. Your brother will never know love in a way that we do or never know compassion in a way that we do and his entire being is made up of thoughts that rot away one's soul. In many ways, he is a victim too. A victim, who is imprisoned by his APD, who has to deal with the consequences of his acts to which he probably has no emotional connection to. As for you, I also applaud you for taking steps to release yourself from the trauma of your past dealings with him. I hope that you can find acceptance and peace that you are seeking and so needing. Your issue is multi-layered and will take some time to peel away so much of those layers. Here is a book that might be of interest to you: "I Can't Get Over It!� � A Handbook for Trauma Survivors" by Aphrodite Matsakis. It is a good guide to steps one can take to recover from a trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. Again welcome, OFO
	One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis


2bad	Feb 7 2010, 01:27 PM Post #6
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,037 Group: Moderator Member #4,892 Joined: March 8, 2009	Welcome. While my experience has not been like yours, I applaud you for taking the steps to help you deal with everything that has happened. I was struck by the sense of strength that comes through in your post. I also agree with what Gary said about possibly not having to deal with every individual issue. There are still things I can't remember from my marriage. I do know there were events that I told my mom about and even wrote about, but have no recollection of now. But, even with the gaps, I have been able to move forward. I am so glad to see that you are reaching out, both in therapy and here. I don't know what I would have done without the support of the people here and on a couple of other boards. It was an essential part of me being able to rediscover myself and work on healing.
	I'm not hyper, I'm enthusiastic.


Haggis	Feb 7 2010, 03:16 PM Post #7
Over 1000 posts Posts: 2,124 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: October 11, 2007	Hi movingforward and welcome to Out of the FOG. Thanks for sharing your story. You have endured a lot at a young age. The strength of your mom also seems to come through in what you shared. Must have been a very tough thing for her too - but kudos to her for trying to protect you. Many a parent would have tried to keep you together at all costs. Hope you will feel at home here and also encourage us all with what you have learned. Haggis
	Often wrong but never in doubt.


movingforward	Feb 7 2010, 03:19 PM Post #8
Over 10 posts Posts: 38 Group: Active Member Member #5,329 Joined: February 4, 2010	WOW thanks to all of you for your amazing replies! Dancer, yes your right I think it will still be a while before I feel like its helping and also to open up because part of growing up around a psychopath meant I hid my emotions, so now I literally can't physically do it at times. I think when I feel like its really safe then I'll be able to open up about it. Klarity Bell, Yes I'm so glad to have found these boards, I think this is one place I may finally find that someone can relate or understand. Thank god dealing with this issue is not a common thing, and I've always known that, but it does feel like your alone at times. I also really like my therapist (who coincidentally her husband works with people with APD!) even though she is confused and I don't blame her. I know my mom doing all that she could was the hardest thing for her, but that it was the best thing she could have done. thank you gary, Thank you for sharing your story I'm always sorry to hear someone can relate but I think knowing others have similar situations helps, it does feel like your right, I don't think I'll have to deal with each thing separately and distinctly. I think overall being able to come out about it all for the first time, and validating it in general will be a big part of the healing process. I feel like for me the sexual abuse is the hardest to talk about, but also I agree that if anything it will at least be a lot easier to deal with when I start dealing with this whole thing in general. I definitely am willing to do the work that it takes, I've already taken many steps to help myself and the hardest part is almost over. Thanks for the warm welcome! oneflewover, I know my family always says (the part that didn't have to live and grow up with him that is) that he is already paying the highest price, and thats that we don't have any sort of contact with him and he is alone. I don't know if I'm ready to see him as a victim becuase you can't miss something you never cared for can you? I feel like it doesn't bother him at all, only that he is now in jail bothers him. Thank you for the confidence :) Its funny that you should say that the issue is multilayered because my therapist always uses this analogy. And she tells me that it will take time and I have to be patient, Its true. Yeah I recognize that book from somewhere I think my therapist may have photocopied some pages for me from there I may look into buying it thank you!! 2bad, Wow thank you for saying that, I hear people say that a lot to me, that I have a lot of strength, and it feels hopeful to hear that. I always assume they say that because I don't show my emotions but maybe its true somewhere in there because I'm really staying functional despite how I feel! It feels like a relief to hear people saying that I won't have to go through every issue possibly and the gaps have always bothered me for this reason because I don't remember. I'm happy for you that these boards have helped you, and I feel like it will definitely help to validate some things that I always thought I couldn't explain. I hope I can help people as well even if just by relating :) Thank you ALL!



movingforward	Feb 7 2010, 03:22 PM Post #9
Over 10 posts Posts: 38 Group: Active Member Member #5,329 Joined: February 4, 2010	Haggis, thank you for the warm welcome! Yes my mom definitely has had to go through a lot as well and it was a hard decision doing what she did. I think although she never knew about every thing my brother did to me, she did know something was terribly wrong and would get worse. She also realized she could no longer offer him any help too. Thanks again, and I really hope I can help out as well!!



oneflewover	Feb 7 2010, 04:39 PM Post #10
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,291 Group: Senior Member Member #5,199 Joined: November 22, 2009	movingforward Feb 7 2010, 03:19 PM oneflewover, I know my family always says (the part that didn't have to live and grow up with him that is) that he is already paying the highest price, and thats that we don't have any sort of contact with him and he is alone. I don't know if I'm ready to see him as a victim becuase you can't miss something you never cared for can you? I feel like it doesn't bother him at all, only that he is now in jail bothers him. Thank you for the confidence :) Its funny that you should say that the issue is multilayered because my therapist always uses this analogy. And she tells me that it will take time and I have to be patient, Its true. Yeah I recognize that book from somewhere I think my therapist may have photocopied some pages for me from there I may look into buying it thank you!! I can't imagine having a family member who is diagnosed as a psychopath a/k/a APD. Reconciling that they will never be able to have empathy or emotional filters that allow them to feel for another human being must be very hard to accept. I don't really classify psychopaths as victims "per say" but rather just see them as maybe prisoners of their own mind? Children who harness these traits early on are certainly sentenced to a life of hell because of the mental illness within them would you not say? It is something none of us will understand fully. I guess I just was thinking out loud that maybe in some ways they are victims. Hope that was not offensive for you to read, I would never minimalize or trivialize your horrific experiences with your brother. And you are right, he probably is not bothered as to the whys of his jail sentence but rather that he is restrained and constricted now. His highest price, and this is something I deal with as well with my ubpd ex husband (to a far lesser degree however), is that they are not capable of knowing the meaning of life, one that is filled with love, grace and contentment. Their behaviors and actions are indicative of what they are lacking and missing in order to achieve those kind of human qualities we all desire and strive for. I can look at my ubpd ex husband and feel pity and well, compassion for his plight and deficiencies rather than hate or condemnation. I know his consequences will be of his own making and that there is very little I can do or contribute to, to invoke those kind of lessons. This helped me to heal in a healthier way and let go of a lot of the angst and baggage tied to him. ((((HUGS))))
	One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis


Grateful1	Feb 7 2010, 05:46 PM Post #11
Over 100 posts Posts: 309 Group: Senior Member Member #5,163 Joined: November 1, 2009	Welcome Moving Forward! I don't think I could add much more than the others have but thank you for sharing your story. I cannot imagine what you and your family have been through. I am so glad that you have found this group. They're invaluable!
	Wherever you go, there you are.


movingforward	Feb 8 2010, 12:03 AM Post #12
Over 10 posts Posts: 38 Group: Active Member Member #5,329 Joined: February 4, 2010	oneflewover, Yes I think its hard to wrap my head around even though I realize its true. I have nightmares sometimes about him doing something to me but then he apologizes and cries and I end up crying and forgiving him and in my dream I realize he is this poor soul who is really remorseful. When I wake up I feel completely screwed in my brain and it lasts for days or weeks afterwords. Its terrible, its a worse feeling than fear. I wouldn't mind an axe murderer nightmare compared to a dream like the ones with my brother. Don't worry I don't get offended too easily I really wasn't offended, I guess I'm not strong enough to think of him as a victim of a disorder because I'm just not ready. I don't really know why. I guess I can see what you mean by feeling sorry that they will never know goodness, he only knows bad. I'm not sure of all the accronyms yet is ubpd the same as BPD? I'm glad you've been able to find a way to seek peace and not hold a grudge and baggage against him. I really want to do this because I know deep down he isn't worth carrying around on my back any longer, I think it will take time to honestly achieve this though. Thank you for your post. Grateful1, Thanks for the warm welcome! I'm very happy to have found this group!



oneflewover	Feb 8 2010, 12:16 AM Post #13
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,291 Group: Senior Member Member #5,199 Joined: November 22, 2009	ubpd = undiagnosed borderline personality disorder Your nightmare recurrence dream is haunting. I am sorry you deal with those. Definitely sounds symptomatic of PTSD. I wish I had answers for ways to cope with having these nightmares.....I suffer from my share of my own kind of nightmares related to my situation, they happen around the same time at night where I jolt awake. Drives me crazy as I am out and have been out from my situation for some time. I don't know why I have trouble with this other than I was told that it is a purging of sorts of some residual and suppressed emotions I have not fully dealt with. Makes sense.
	One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis


movingforward	Feb 8 2010, 12:30 AM Post #14
Over 10 posts Posts: 38 Group: Active Member Member #5,329 Joined: February 4, 2010	oneflewover, I don't think it necessarily matters how long its been since it happened it could be 1, 5, 10 or 20 years afterwords. I think it depends on how much you've worked on healing. For me its been about 10 years now that I haven't seen him. But I haven't done any healing, I have done some self-improvement, but I haven't dealt with that issue ever before until now, and then only because I was forced to through a flashback. It might be from ptsd, I'm not sure because it feels more disturbing than it does scary. It hardly jolts me awake. I hope you are getting some help for yourself as well, for me its really helping, even just knowing I have that support.



oneflewover	Feb 8 2010, 12:52 AM Post #15
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,291 Group: Senior Member Member #5,199 Joined: November 22, 2009	For me movingforward....I have spent a great deal of time healing myself. For the most part, I am there....life is good, I am good. The remaining effects from my experiences with my ex husband these days are plaguing me in my sleep. Argh. I am very tempted to try hypnosis therapy to try and conquer this for once and for all. It seems to be so deeply subconscious in nature so I wonder if I could battle it at the subconscious level than maybe I could move beyond it. A family member told me the other day they thought my story was like a Lifetime Movie---what? Oh Lord......no wonder I have nightmares!!!!! LOL! But you are right it is all about the stages of our healing....and sometimes we still have work to do. And I am okay with that because it means I am proactive and being proactive with my well-being is a good thing.
	One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis

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