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| Family Intervention; Relieved | |
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| Topic Started: Feb 7 2010, 05:38 PM (565 Views) | |
| Klarity Belle | Feb 7 2010, 05:38 PM Post #1 |
Klarity Belle
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The recent destructive behaviours of Npd co-parent has hurt both my daughters emotionally. D11 refuses to see her father at all and things are tense with her step mum (who is in deep denial and playing Npd proxy at this time). She has been over to see her SM and baby sister once so far this year and SM and baby sister have been once to our home. D12 is feeling the strain of going to her dad & SM's house even though we reduced her visits to 2 nights per week. She came home today very sullen (she is preteen, so I try to take this into account too). After a while, I casually asked did she have a nice time over at her dad's and she burst into tears. According to D12 he has made no attempt to connect with her or do activities with her, he plays nintendo games most of the time, he questions her about her sister and what he should do. He asked her to tell him the truth about whether she was passing on his messages of love to her. She said she hadn't been because she didn't want to upset her sister and he huffed at her and stomped out of the room. She feels like she is there to spend q time with her dad but all he does is mope and talk about her sister not being there. She says she feels like SM doesn't love her anymore and that she would be happier if she wasn't there at all (SM has been projecting the anger she should be having towards her philandering husband onto my D's). D12 used the words unhappy, uncomfortable, unsafe and scared to describe how she felt about being there also that she wasn't sleeping well there. So, it is time for the shit to hit the fan in a big way. Their paternal uncle spoke with me on the phone and said he felt it was time the rest of the family knew. Ex Npd had told his mother on the phone that he had been stupid and needed to work on his parenting skills and D11 had found texts which had complaints about me in them!!! (the texts had details of his infidelity and porn and fetish addiction). The girls paternal aunt now knows and his mother has been told the truth too. They are all hopping mad and want to support the girls. Aunt is flying over for 2 days to see the girls on 19th Feb she will stay with us here. So on Tuesday when D12 is due to see her dad next, I am going to send him an email saying she doesn't want to stay overnight at the moment. That evening his sister is going to call him and say she is coming over because she knows there is something seriously wrong when the girls wouldn't speak with her on the phone and she was worried by what her mother had relayed about their conversation (that will save him raging at me for involving his family) - I know she is going to speak her mind to him too. I am taking D12 to docs tomorrow morning to get her referred to psyche too, this is starting to affect her more than I had thought. Any suggestions about how best to handle the intervention situation would be gratefully appreciated. |
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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| Grateful1 | Feb 7 2010, 06:26 PM Post #2 |
Over 100 posts
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 Oh Klarity, this sounds like really hard times right now. I give you a ton of credit for your strength in such a difficult situation and for putting your girls first while trying to consider the best way to proceed. I think your taking your daughter to a therapist is an excellent idea. I don't know if you remember but back when my husband and I first separated and things were so awful, I took my son to his "feelings doctor" and it made a HUGE difference for him, pretty darn quickly too. I am hopeful the same will be the case for your daughter. Thank goodness the family of the ex is supportive of your daughters and realizes there are serious issues at hand. I'm wondering how he'll handle the family involvement in the situation? Do you think this will ramp him up even more? How often are the visits and for how long? I worry about your daughter when she says she feels unsafe. That is a big red flag. Is it possible you may want to see an attorney? Here we have the Friend of the Court that intercedes in any parenting time issues and this would warrant a contact to the referee and from there we'd be called in to court to discuss the issues and come up with a solution. Is there something like that in place? 
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| Klarity Belle | Feb 7 2010, 06:54 PM Post #3 |
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Klarity Belle
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Thanks Grateful1. I need to make an appointment with a solicitor and find out where I stand. I too am very worried about the 'unsafe' feeling she has. I am guessing he must be like a grenade about to go off! He is being demasked big time and I predict he will be headed for some kind of breakdown in the near future. I don't want my D's around him while he is this unstable - I was hoping that once we got to child psyche they could possibly intervene if there was proof of his mental instability and they could see the effect on the mental health of both my D's. I haven't been able to face the whole lawyer thing yet because this situation has been so crazy that just trying to keep up with everyday life and helping girls with homework deadlines etc takes all my time, and I run a buiness too and am overseeing some refurbishments My PTSD symptoms have been through the roof, I am both physically & emotionally exhausted and running on adrenaline. On top of this my 5 year old God daughter has leukemia, her mum is my longtime closest friend and I am doing my best to be of support to her too. I am taking myself to docs tomorrow as well because I am not on meds and really feeling it now. An anti anxiety drug might help, I detest SSRI's and find the side effects as bad as the symptoms they are supposed to be relieving.I need to get myself balanced first and foremost, I cannot afford to get ill at this time and I need to get my ptsd under control too. Doctors is first port of call tomorrow morning for me and D12. So I will keep D12 away from him right now. He knows my house is always a busy place (I have two housemates) I doubt he would come raging on my doorstep. I will word my email to him wisely and pull a few fact based honesty punches too. This meltdown of his has to happen because the alternative is that he goes on and on emotionally abusing my daughters and that just isn't an option. Thanks for the hug |
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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| Grateful1 | Feb 7 2010, 07:37 PM Post #4 |
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Over 100 posts
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Huge hugs for you Klarity. You're doing the right things! I don't mind saying at all that I never thought I needed meds until last fall but let me tell you, I'm so glad I made that move. I went on an SSRI that made me irritable and very fuzzy feeling days in. Then I changed to another that immediately gave me some relief along with anti-anxiety med to help when I was really feeling overwhelmed. Don't need that one much anymore, but if I do feel I need it I'll never feel badly about it again. My cyber hug isn't anywhere as helpful as a real one (and a glass of wine!), but I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way! |
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| Klarity Belle | Feb 7 2010, 08:04 PM Post #5 |
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Klarity Belle
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Thanks for your support Grateful1 it means a lot. I am usually on meds myself but took a break because of the expense. I am going to take something in the meantime from the docs until I can afford to order my usual choice of meds. As soon as I get a strong, solid day I will go to a Lawyer. I have a friend whose husband is a lawyer and he knows a little on a personal level of what I am facing, I am going to call him tomorrow and make an appointment. I will email ex npd keeping it simple, the girls both choose not to see him right now and that family therapy is going to be necessary. I will mention his sister as a rage prevention that will scare the crap out of him because he knows she takes no prisoners. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I am a grown woman, not an abused little girl facing her mother's controlling rages - he is a cowardly, vacuous little man and a bully and it is his time to hit rock bottom. 
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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| Grateful1 | Feb 7 2010, 08:51 PM Post #6 |
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Over 100 posts
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YES you can do this Klarity. You are a strong woman and your girls will be so much better for your strength and wisdom. I'm so sorry that you are going through this but I feel confident from your posts that you will come out on top and stronger than you are now :) |
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| 2bad | Feb 7 2010, 11:27 PM Post #7 |
Over 1000 posts
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Yes, KB, you can do this. Please remember to take care of YOU. You can't help your kids as well when you aren't at your best. It will get easier in time. You are doing a good job of keeping the kids best interests in mind. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, like you have been. You will get there. |
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| oneflewover | Feb 7 2010, 11:47 PM Post #8 |
Over 1000 posts
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KB, do you think the aid and help from his extended family will only aggravate and agitate NPD dad further? My ex gets "all bent out of sorts" if he thinks I am communicating on any level with any of his family. Just keep that in mind as this all unfolds okay? But, first and foremost, your girls come first and they need to get to a good place with all this. I think we have talked about this before, but I really think your girls could use a serious break from their dad for a bit. It seems that there is no healing waters right now for them to enter and they are just slipping further and further into an uncomfortable way with their visits (or non visits) with their dad and stepmom. Don't be afraid to exercise your voice and flex your parental muscles here.....something radical is going to have to be applied cause what he is doing on his end is not working for your girls sake and it seems to be compounding. And to me, you have been uber patience with all this. So yes, I am going to echo what Grateful1 said and remind you that you are strong and capable of doing what is necessary for your girls even if that means ceasing and desisting the visitation right now until therapy can help the girls come to terms with a few things first. When your child feels uncomfortable, scared and unsafe something is terribly awry. |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| 2bad | Feb 7 2010, 11:57 PM Post #9 |
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Over 1000 posts
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OFO, just a though here. I do understand where you are coming from. But it all depends on their agreement. I would love to be able to decide that my kids can't see the ex. But we had an GAL who decided that he was allowed to have unsupervised visitation. Granted, she was inept as they come. But she felt that even though he admitted to wanting to kill all of us, he "really didn't mean it". So I have no choice but to abide by the court order. They have no choice but to go with him. I understand wanting to keep them from harm, but there are sometimes limitations. <sigh> |
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| oneflewover | Feb 8 2010, 12:25 AM Post #10 |
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Oh definitely 2bad, we don't always have that option, so very true....of course court orders would trump this, but if I recall, I don't think there are any in your situation KB? In fact he doesn't even pay child support right? If I am wrong and there are court orders in place or a visitation agreement, then definitely don't put yourself in a situation where you are in any kind of contempt! But if there are no orders in place.....I would ask for a "little break" until therapy can help matters along. |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| 2bad | Feb 8 2010, 12:33 AM Post #11 |
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I agree...if there is no legal reason to prevent it...go for the break. |
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| Klarity Belle | Feb 8 2010, 07:30 AM Post #12 |
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Klarity Belle
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Thanks guys, this is so very difficult. My health is starting to suffer because of ptsd and I am struggling to maintain that 'strong capable' image that I need to have for my girls and outside world but inside I am crumbling with the stress. I know all the right drills, eat, sleep, exercise but my head is so fragmented I cannot navigate them so well. I forget to eat and drink because the signals of hunger and thirst aren't there. I lie down with D11 to sleep at night and can't - my head is truly wired, I really don't like feeling so stressed out. D11 was in floods of tears at school again today and I had to take her home with me again. Had an appointment with D12 and doc suggested she continues to see school counsellor for now and wouldn't give a referal - I couldn't get my usual GP who knows our history and with D12 in the room I couldn't go into too much historical detail, he said it was a relational problem not a mental health one! When things like that happens I get the message that I am over reacting and need to get the problem into perspective. Even his sister on the phone last night said are you sure therapy isn't taking things a bit too far. (The general populace of Brits have different social perspectives on therapy to the US, hardly anyone is in therapy here because that shows you are nuts or weak, or both!) I can't get an appointment with my doc till next week, I am going to try and get Klonopin, I have heard it is really good for anxiety. Meanwhile I have doubled therapy sessions and my T has said I can owe her the xtra cash down the line, I said I would go up to 10 extra sessions. I see her Wednesday for a double appt.  I truly hate this man for what he has done to my children and to me - I guess I am mad at myself for having taken it too but I have to be kind to myself - I get so tired of these vicious cycles. I have to get this ptsd under control but there is no space or peace to do that.OFO I think his sister being here will help actually in terms of helping my girls and perking them up a bit, we have no extended family here and they adore their aunty - she is a wise lady and will handle the situation in the best way. It will help to stop him bullying and maybe she can also talk logic that if he is patient with the therapy process the girls will come to see him when they are ready. She does voluntary counselling work every week in downtown Glasgow and works with disadvantaged youth too, shes seen a lot she can handle this situation and the girls so need their family to get validation from them too they are really looking forward to her visit. Also during the Easter hols him, sm and baby sis are meant to be joining the girls in Scotland with his family, that will not go well if things don't come out before then. As for him, he is heading for a meltdown whether his sister comes over or not and I wouldn't be surprised if SM and baby are out of there soon, she is hopping mad and no wonder but she shouldn't be projecting her anger onto my kids I will email him tomorrow requesting the break and his patience to let therapy take it's course. I won't mention his sister but just allow that to unfold on it's own when she contacts him. Thanks for breaking it down and making it simple OFO. Anyway it helps to rant it all out here, thank you so much for being here, I think this forum helps me more than any other steps I am taking to get better. Edited by Klarity Belle, Feb 8 2010, 07:33 AM.
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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| oneflewover | Feb 8 2010, 11:23 AM Post #13 |
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Over 1000 posts
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This poor child. She has a right to her feelings but be careful Mom that she is not using these hurt feelings "as a crutch" too to avoid school, etc. What kind of outside activities is she in? Is she still showing some enthusiasm for those, or has that waivered some too?
Damn....I hate these kind of chokeholds that can happen as a result of PD exes. This morning as I was getting ready for work, my little one was sitting on my bed watching the news and a piece came on about a South Carolina govenor who cheated on his wife. They had the wife on and wife was asked if she cares that s2bx hubby was with the mistress now, she said, "I do not care what he is doing." My daughter shouts from the bed, "just like you mommy, you don't care either." What!?! Oh how my heart sunk....why do our children have to be exposed to such adult matters. Geesh. Thank you very much ex--rat bastard! IT NEVER TRULY GOES AWAY WHEN KIDS ARE INVOLVED. These little heartaches that happen to us over a series of time do compound and come out in ways that effect our well-being. The most important thing here is you are aware and you are proactive about it. Which means KB, you are strong. (yes, don't shake your head otherwise, you really are!!)
Well then that will be a good thing then! I am glad you have this kind of support and outreach from his side of the family. I am sure you feel validated somewhat too.
Not that I want anyone to have a breakdown, but maybe that will be his turning point? Okay, maybe not. But we can hope can't we? |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| Klarity Belle | Feb 8 2010, 11:48 AM Post #14 |
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Klarity Belle
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OFO thank you, your thoughtful replies mean so much to me. My first reaction when I read what your daughter had shouted out at the betrayed wife on TV was to chuckle - that's because it struck me that she is already learning strong assertive behaviours which have been modelled to her by you. It is very sad that she has to be aware of it all so young but hey, no body will be walking over your little girl when she is older because she won't let them! Way to go the politician's wife too - great response! I feel a lot better this afternoon, when my ptsd symptoms are in full swing it is hard to see clearly. I had D11 back in school by 11am and tomorrow its business as usual, she gets a lot of encouragement for showing courage during this difficult time. D12 went in this afternoon just in time for her cookery class and she was on really good form. I just need to prepare the dreaded email to you know who but I will be flexing those parental muscles as you suggested. The girls outside school life is good, its very cold and wet so our rollerblading etc is out for now but we have lots of friends over and laughter in the house, projects going on etc, D11 loves shoe designing in her textiles book. I managed to get in to see my doc afterall she has a clinic at another surgery on Thursday so I go then to sort out my head problems and back again next mon for blood tests etc, I have a lot of pain going on around the spleen area but this could be down to ibs. I can see progress OFO but when I am lost in my own symptoms I lose sight of it all. I know I am strong too, I would not have survived this far if I wasn't. I have my mindfulness practice group tonight so I will enjoy that even if I can't manage to stay in the NOW for long. Just love this forum and all you wonderful folk here - I got the jackpot! |
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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| Klarity Belle | Feb 8 2010, 11:51 AM Post #15 |
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Klarity Belle
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p.s. Softie that I am I do still hold glimmers of hope that if npd ex is exposed to this degree that something has got to change especially if all around him are pointing him in the direction of self-reflection and transformation. If he doesn't take this opportunity, well then he loses everything and my girls will lose the possibility of a close loving dad 
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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