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| Family Intervention; Relieved | |
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| Topic Started: Feb 7 2010, 05:38 PM (564 Views) | |
| Grateful1 | Feb 10 2010, 09:46 AM Post #31 |
Over 100 posts
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Hi Klarity, My gut feeling here is that this response was likely written through gritted teeth in an attempt to appear as if he is calm and rational, but you'll likely get the emotional outburts, etc. soon. Just keep that focus on you and your kiddos. I like that you were able to spend a cozy night cuddling up with them. Your ex will likely want to invade that space (and in my case, my own racing thoughts would be right up there, making everything feel pretty jumbled and emotional). It's so hard, but I hope you're living in the moment with your lovely girls while figuring out what you need to do for you and your family. Keep going! You'll get there! |
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| oneflewover | Feb 10 2010, 10:59 AM Post #32 |
Over 1000 posts
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Your ex sounds just like my ex, when they are called to the curb for their poor behavior or lack of parenting skills, etc. and how it has created a problem they turn it around and make it about us not being able to move on from them.  My ex makes these kinds of commentary to me as well. They are nothing more that desperate remarks designed to deflect the real issue at hand. Stay focused. And yes, get ready to defend yourself and prepare for what may be next. Alienation huh? This coming from a man who does not pay any child support and yet has had total access to his kids all because of you. Counseling with the girls without your presence? Oh lord the air of arrogance and ego with this guy....okay, really the counseling is about the girls and never have you incorporated yourself into this equation. Yes, please let me use my children to force them into counseling so that I can piggyback from that and work on my past issues with you! BLAH! Narcissism at it's best! You know what, the facts (and the truth) is on your side KB and please keep reminding yourself this when you start doubting things--yes I know they can make us doubt--but don't. You have been more than patient with this and you have watched your girls struggle immensely here and there should be no doubt in your mind that you are taking measures that are in the best interest of your children. You weighed, you analyzed, you reflected, you reached out, so yes, you are making the right decisions here. (((HUGS))) |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| Haggis | Feb 10 2010, 12:42 PM Post #33 |
Over 1000 posts
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Hey KB one thing that keeps coming to my mind is to warn you to be careful about the contact with his sister. I'd say if you are having contact because you share a mutual friendship that is completely separate from him that's fine - but whenever it wanders into the territory of collaborating to try to work on fixing him you might be walking out into a potential minefield. For one thing - it rarely works - trying to recruit others to 'talk sense' into someone with a PD - it's a bit like asking someone to talk the bark out of a dog. Frustration and annoyance all around. The other thing is triangulation can be a real nightmare in relationship communications and typically erodes trust and understanding - even in good relationships. The other thing is it distracts from some of the things that really do work - detachment, boundaries & clear, consistent, concise communications (hey that was some good alliteration there don't you think) Also, it can open you up to accusations of proxy recruitment and manipulation and put you back on the defensive. The other thing is it potentially takes your focus off fixing yourself and tends to direct all that good energy in the direction of the PD. Same thing goes for the joint therapy idea - successful therapy really is about working on yourself and as soon as it gets into the realm of fixing the other person then it's really just an expensive sedative. So do be careful. I know it's hard to emotionally detach from an ex and not to hope that their behavior will get better but sometimes it's better to just fade away  than to stay engaged in that stuff and continue to ride the emotional rollercoaster.(been dying to work that emoticon in somewhere) |
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| Klarity Belle | Feb 10 2010, 01:15 PM Post #34 |
Klarity Belle
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Thanks Haggis. You are right, I was not expecting a love letter! Your contact with his family - is he saying you are not allowed to talk to them at all or is he complaining about a specific thing you are saying to them that hurts his feelings? The former might constitute unreasonable isolation while the latter might be a reasonable expression of hurt. Since we split over 10 years ago he has been adamant that he does not want me to be in contact with them and I am not 'allowed' to stay in their homes when the girls and I are visiting. I usually drop the girls off and go and stay with friends or go away. He used to rant and say 'they are my family, not yours and you poison their minds against me'. My response was and still will be that the girls will be in contact with their paternal family whenever they wish to be and that his family are smart people who were well aware of his behaviours long before he and I had met and were capable of making their own minds up. What he really means by this is, he wants to get away with bad behaviour whenever he chooses without anyone finding out. The recent contact with their paternal family was early on in this text finding fiasco when the girls needed a solid male role model to validate them, and one they could trust to keep their confidence. He has called them regularly to see how they have been doing. A family holiday in Scotland is planned for easter and I am meant to be dropping the girls to see their paternal family and then going on my own break. Ex and SM were due to arrive the same day for the switchover. Uncle called me last weekend concerned that if D11 was still not communicating with her father by then that it would be a family circus if the truth came out about recent events then. He asked my permission to tell his sister so there could be extra support for the girls during the holiday. His sis then emailed ex to say she was coming over to see her nieces as she was concerend that D11 was refusing to speak with her on the phone and also their mother had relayed that D11 hadn't been visiting because he had said he needed to do some work to do on his parenting skills! Its bending the truth because we all know what he is like at projecting blame and responsibility away from himself - she would have been concerned even if uncle hadn't told her. You are right about the sandwich statements - he uses this a lot. I went through his email with my T today and she said much the same thing that he was projecting, blaming and clutching at straws as well as being very controlling in 'what I should be and needed to be doing etc'. I mentioned a lawyer because I have never had anything legalised, since they were toddlers he has had access to the girls so long as he is stable. I learned to stop requesting financial support because he would become abusive and say I was robbing him and putting a noose around his neck because I have more assets than he does and was just f'ing greedy - the hassle and stressed stopped me asking 5 years back, thus his tantrums got him what he wanted. Thankfully we didn't marry. I think it is time now to get something drawn up for when the girls are ready to see him again, i.e. 2 nights a week, holiday time and a suitable monthly financial contribution to their care & expenses. |
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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| Klarity Belle | Feb 10 2010, 01:24 PM Post #35 |
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Klarity Belle
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You are right Haggis, though my girls really do need a boost, we have no extended family here (just my selfish half bro who takes no interest in the girls) and they love this Aunty so much. She is wise too and wants to come to see her nieces (my two and their baby sis) and to boost my girls' spirits, probably help them to move forward a bit too. Thinking about it though, I may suggest to her she is better off staying over at his place because of the contempt it may cause her staying here, I'll keep out of the picture as much as poss and leave her with the girls. Another option is that I could go and stay with a pal for the weekend. She has booked her flight now, so she is coming - no changing her mind on that now. Thanks for your concern, I will certainly remain mindful of my contact and communications with her The therapy relates to D11's child psych referal which is free here, family therapy is offered as part of that if they feel it would benefit the child. I am quite happy working alone with my own therapist - in fact soon I will have two of them, one Jungian and one EMDR - spoiled I am! Grateful 1 thank you, I really am ready to just focus on me and my girls now and our family routine and fun things. Before there was always this cloud hanging about 2 days before D12 was due to go over there because basically she didn't want to. Now her real choice is being honoured, the cloud has lifted and she will most likely decide to visit them soon so long as its not overnight. OFO thanks for the validation - it helps to know that similar behaviours have been experienced by someone else here, npd's are so very difficult to deal with. He is clever at manipulating and he has the wool pulled right over his wife's eyes. It was his stupidity in not clearing his mobile phone which led to our daughters learning some very adult and betraying details about their dad and his actions which led to the messages being there in the first place - this somehow has all been forgotten. Edited by Klarity Belle, Feb 10 2010, 02:03 PM.
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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| oneflewover | Feb 10 2010, 01:36 PM Post #36 |
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Over 1000 posts
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 Yeah you for taking steps in this direction!! Big bear squeeze from me! It will help and it will take quite a bit off your shoulders.
My ex works very hard at keeping his illusion in place, so he consequently works even harder with presenting a very distorted reality to his family. I think they do this cause they fear the truth of their authentic self from being exposed. It is obvious. There is very little we can do about it, we just have to take comfort in "our" truths. |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| Grateful1 | Feb 10 2010, 07:59 PM Post #37 |
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Over 100 posts
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HI Klarity! Thinking about you and your family... sometimes I think the idea of communal living would be so cool, particularly in situations like yours where you and your girls could be in an extended family. Friends do that for us when we don't have the family we'd like or need. Hopefully, we'll give some of that to you! |
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| Klarity Belle | Feb 11 2010, 02:55 AM Post #38 |
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Klarity Belle
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Thanks Grateful1, indeed I consider all you lovely Foggies my supportive and caring cyber family and it means so very much to me to have this haven to come to. I am fortunate to have close friends where I live too but sadly my 2 closest pals have some serious health challenges going on and so I am in a position of support to them or at the very least not adding to their burdens right now. I do have a very close gay friend and God bless him he tries his very best to understand the complicated waters of co-parenting with an npd! I have the most wonderful T and she is really supporting me through this both emotionally and practically - I am safe. Since I sent the mail to ex supporting my older D in her choice not to visit there at the moment, the atmosphere in our home has relaxed, my girls are getting along much better again and were giggling and laughing with each other in their beds last night. D11 still got out and wandered into my bed later on but it is progress. My stress levels have dropped and I am laughing again and doing things that I want to do instead of worrying about what will happen to my D's emotional wellbeing next visit to ex's - a black cloud has vanished and he can send emails of smokescreens and mirrors till he explodes but he cannot take my peace of mind away from me and more importantly not from my girls. So I am off to the docs today to get some med support and discuss health issues, I'm back for blood test etc next monday so my focus will go back on my health, eating well and exercise. My double T sessions are helping and I start EMDR treatment in March. I will get well and I will as far as possible distance ex's abusive behaviours from our lives.  Thank you
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http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4 "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we will meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung | |
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