When the H#LL will he stop?!

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When the H#LL will he stop?!
Topic Started: Feb 14 2010, 02:05 AM (302 Views)
FreeAtLast	Feb 14 2010, 02:05 AM Post #1
Over 10 posts Posts: 90 Group: Active Member Member #4,986 Joined: June 10, 2009	Ok. Me again. Wacko is up and at 'em again with the same distortion crap and mudslinging (to put it mildly). So, I know that's their MO. I've got it. And, I know that I will HAVE to deal with him for a very, very long time as we have 2 children - the youngest is 4. But, (and forgive me.. I am a slow learner, clearly), what will make him CHILL out? No law, protective order, or court order has worked so far -- in fact they have only made his behavior worse. And, WHEN will he ever stop? When he gets a new girlfriend? When I beg his forgiveness and give him whatever he wants? When I get out of "our" house and give him custody of the kids? I mean, really. What will it take? Historically, I have jumped through the hoops for him. Appeasing him. Whatever he wanted, I did and just tried to "keep the peace". Okay, so that finally got old as I got tired of the footprints on my forehead. And, I recognized that no matter what I did, or how well I did it -- it was never enough. The hoops got higher and the demands changed every time. Maybe I am answering my own question. I imagine he'll never get what he wants from me and therefore will never stop. I have tried to "disengage" and that has helped. It really has. But GAWWWDDD, enough already! Just had to vent. Any seasoned advice welcome



truthonlypls	Feb 14 2010, 02:26 AM Post #2
Over 10 posts Posts: 90 Group: Active Member Member #5,345 Joined: February 14, 2010	Hi FreeAtLast, This is my first post, so I'm hesitant to give advice, although I figured out my stbx was an N 1.5 years ago, so I've been coping for a while. I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry you are going through all of this. He's trying to pull you back in to being who he needs you to be, though. My stbx tries the same, and sometimes (unfortunately) succeeds. I jumped through so many hoops, too, appeased too. You are so right... he won't get what he needs from you, because it is humanly impossible for him to get what he needs from ANYONE on the face of this earth! Vent away. Their audacious expectations are mind numbing. At some point (not that I'm necessarily recommending this, just sharing what I did) I was so close to losing my grip, I did not care, and just started to let him have it verbally. I kept quoting what i knew about his disorders (also a s.a. and a pathological liar) and how he was just manifesting symptoms. I also let him know how much he was hurting me, but over time, he decided that his formerly sweet wife was simply not taking the bs anymore. He kept testing it, but it has really slacked off significantly. I think something else that helped is that he is living with his parents who are also disordered and is starting to see what it's like. I love your icons... especially the one with the stars!
	Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. -- Oscar Wilde


Haggis	Feb 14 2010, 09:53 AM Post #3
Over 1000 posts Posts: 2,140 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: October 11, 2007	--Hi truthonlypls and welcome to OOTF Quote: And, WHEN will he ever stop? When he gets a new girlfriend? When I beg his forgiveness and give him whatever he wants? When I get out of "our" house and give him custody of the kids? I mean, really. What will it take? new girlfriend - doubtful. beg forgiveness - don't try that - think intermittent reinforcement give him whatever he wants - give him what he needs - give the kids what they need and give you what you need. Everything else is negotiable. get out of "our house" - y'know I don't know your situation but that's worth considering in any divorce with a PD I think - too much emotion attached to the marital house that I think it acts like a red rag to a bull. Get your "own" place if you possibly can. give him custody of the kids - only what's best for the kids of course! It gets better it really does. When you're in the process of Separating & Divorcing it really does get worse for a while - because you're in the process of building boundaries for yourself where there used to be none - which is usually a magnet for boundary testing. The other problem you have when going through a custody case with a PD is that you are cast into a competitive arena with them and you know many of them feel like they just have to win and will empty every bullet our of their arsenal from charming to threatening to try to beat you. The only problem is that you and the kids are the ones playing defense. But after you have that court order you have some protection and the amount of contact goes way down. It really does. Not to zero of course because of the kids but maybe it goes down to 3% of your thought life rather than 97%. At least in my case - I worry more these days about the kids school grades and having enough money to take a vacation than I do about her. Life isn't easy but it's easier.
	Often wrong but never in doubt.


oneflewover	Feb 14 2010, 11:56 AM Post #4
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,309 Group: Senior Member Member #5,199 Joined: November 22, 2009	FreeAtLast Feb 14 2010, 02:05 AM Ok. Me again. Wacko is up and at 'em again with the same distortion crap and mudslinging (to put it mildly). So, I know that's their MO. I've got it. And, I know that I will HAVE to deal with him for a very, very long time as we have 2 children - the youngest is 4. We do have to deal with them for a long time because of the children, which can make no contact impossible and our degrees of disengaging extremely challenging. Quote: But, (and forgive me.. I am a slow learner, clearly), what will make him CHILL out? No law, protective order, or court order has worked so far -- in fact they have only made his behavior worse. You are more than forgiven here, you are offered nothing but support and compassion. IT'S FRICKEN HARD. We are all slow learners at this because who would ever think it could be this crazy? I don't "know" crazy so when confronted with it, yeah it takes some time to sort through it. The distortion campaigns are the worse! I use to think that there was no way my bpd ex could top his latest assault, so if I can get through this one, I am good. But he does top it time and time again---why? Cause he is disordered. I also found it to be such a lonely time cause sharing my story with family and close friends was not only embarrassing, but it was like it was as if I was telling a lie or even crazy too. Who would believe this stuff? Your utilization of the legal system IS the right choice. Unfortunately wacko has no filters in place and his sense of respecting them, adhering to them, or even jolting to alter his behavior because of them is not going to make a difference for him. Those actions and orders are in place for you. Not for him. Remember that. He is not going to follow them, but they are there to protect you when you need to enforce them. Quote: And, WHEN will he ever stop? When he gets a new girlfriend? When I beg his forgiveness and give him whatever he wants? When I get out of "our" house and give him custody of the kids? I mean, really. What will it take? Historically, I have jumped through the hoops for him. Appeasing him. Whatever he wanted, I did and just tried to "keep the peace". Okay, so that finally got old as I got tired of the footprints on my forehead. And, I recognized that no matter what I did, or how well I did it -- it was never enough. The hoops got higher and the demands changed every time. IMHO, a new girlfriend only makes it worse, they then have a cohort. I rarely see too many scenarios, unless some serious time has passed, when a new partner (for a PD sufferer) helps the situation out. Most of the time they are clueless to the disorder and it's traits, and therefore are not able to see truth from the PD's distorted reality and therefore are quite sympathetic to their plight. And most of the time, they have issues themselves and are drawn into the dysfunction quite easily. But it can stop FreeAtLAst when you choose to make it stop by the way you interact, react, and process. That is our one and only control here. So stop jumping through hoops for him and start creating situations where you have healthy boundaries where you know when to extract yourself and when to usurp yourself. Start viewing him as not a victor in all this or even a manipulator but rather a sick one who acts in desperation and frustration of his own demise and making. He has issues and acts out because of those issues. Sure it makes your world hellish at times and it is extremely disruptive to deal with, but take on that attitude of, "thank God I am sane and can maneuver through this and ultimately out of this and well you, it sucks to be you." Cause really it does suck to be them. I mean all that hostility and negativity takes up energy that could be better served elsewhere. So all the energy he is using to wreak havoc on you, it is going to be a deficit somewhere else in his life. "Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny." What do you suppose his destiny is? What do you suppose your destiny is? FreeAtLast, I suspect your path in life is going to be a good one, despite his efforts to divert you. Let him go his way, and you go your way because in the end you will have watched yourself and therefore preserved your character. We can't really say the same for our exes now can we?
	One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis


FreeAtLast	Feb 14 2010, 09:27 PM Post #5
Over 10 posts Posts: 90 Group: Active Member Member #4,986 Joined: June 10, 2009	Thanks Haggis, Truth & OneFlew (I love that..."oneflewover"-- so funny!). Lots of good advice. Truth... I hesitate to throw my armchair diagnosis in his face (1) it really has never been confirmed by an objective medical professional, and (2) he wouldn't "get" it anyway because he DOES have BPD! So, no matter how I would try to rationalize and objectively explain his nuttiness to him -- it would go right over his head. I don't mean that to be insulting... it simply is true. He does not think he has a problem. With anything. The end. So, I'll save my breath with that argument. How could that possilby benefit me or the situation at all? Haggis... Oh, to be where you are in all of this! Your feedback is clearly grounded and spoken from experience as well as "time" on your side -- being a bit further out in this process than I. I hold onto your words that overtime all of this will ease a bit. I'm holding out hope, really I am. It is all just so exhausting. OneFlew... I completely agree, namely with a couple of things that struck me. I, too have told of Wacko's antics to co-workers or friends. Those who know him are not surprised. But, those who only "know" him secondarily --- through my stories -- I recently have begun to think... "they probably think I AM THE CRAZY one here!" I mean, if I had never been in a relationship with a BPD and heard these types of stories... I would probably think that the story-teller had a screw loose too!! So, since the holidays, I have made a concerted effort to keep mum about the details of it all. If someone asks how things are going, I just say "about the same" and move on. Even my good friends, I've lessened the details with as well. Truthfully, the more I rehash it, the worse I feel and the anxiety never drops. So, the less I "tell my story" the better I have felt. I am trying to keep it very compartmentalized now -- whereas before the whole ordeal was usurping my whole life. It is a learning process, but I feel like I am slowly getting my head above water and can literally feels the chains lifting off my body! Another thing you mentioned was about being shocked about their distortion campaigns or other antics. And, I had to smile when I read that. I feel the same way. It used to be when he did something insane, I would truly and genuinely be shocked and appalled. I would cry and carry on and would just unravel. Now, I still defend myself (which is mostly because we are still in a custody battle), but I no longer cry and "unravel". Nothing surprises me anymore and I take most everything in stride. I finally realized that I truly have nothing to worry about because everything he says and does is simply untrue! There are no facts to back up what he says about me. Nothing he has said has ever held up in court. As far as what he tells the neighbors and mutual friends, that really used to make me nuts and I would run around telling my side of things. Now, I figure those that really know me (and especially if they know both of us), know the truth of it all. And, I just continue to live my life the way I always have --- not doing anything illegal or immoral (or does what happened in college count? ) and being the best mom and person I know how to be. Wacko truly shows his true colors in every move he makes and every time he opens his mouth. I don't have to say a thing in defense and it took me forever to get that... Thanks for the support, guys.



oneflewover	Feb 14 2010, 10:31 PM Post #6
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,309 Group: Senior Member Member #5,199 Joined: November 22, 2009	Quote: So, since the holidays, I have made a concerted effort to keep mum about the details of it all. If someone asks how things are going, I just say "about the same" and move on. Even my good friends, I've lessened the details with as well. Truthfully, the more I rehash it, the worse I feel and the anxiety never drops. So, the less I "tell my story" the better I have felt. I am trying to keep it very compartmentalized now -- whereas before the whole ordeal was usurping my whole life. It is a learning process, but I feel like I am slowly getting my head above water and can literally feels the chains lifting off my body! Yeah, I had to do that as well....and I just kept my bpd mess solely to a support forum, which got me totally through it and am so grateful for it's members who offered so much. It can be odd to talk about it with others who have never encountered the likes of bpd. I also think too FreeAtLast that talking about it less in your actual life helps too. I found myself focusing better and separating myself from his crazy world to the, well....rest of the world. LOL ------------------------- I wanted to welcome you truthonlypls to the board as well..... Quote: This is my first post, so I'm hesitant to give advice, although I figured out my stbx was an N 1.5 years ago, so I've been coping for a while. I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry you are going through all of this. He's trying to pull you back in to being who he needs you to be, though. My stbx tries the same, and sometimes (unfortunately) succeeds. I jumped through so many hoops, too, appeased too. You are so right... he won't get what he needs from you, because it is humanly impossible for him to get what he needs from ANYONE on the face of this earth! Vent away. Their audacious expectations are mind numbing. At some point (not that I'm necessarily recommending this, just sharing what I did) I was so close to losing my grip, I did not care, and just started to let him have it verbally. I kept quoting what i knew about his disorders (also a s.a. and a pathological liar) and how he was just manifesting symptoms. I also let him know how much he was hurting me, but over time, he decided that his formerly sweet wife was simply not taking the bs anymore. He kept testing it, but it has really slacked off significantly. I think something else that helped is that he is living with his parents who are also disordered and is starting to see what it's like. Narcissists are the worse! My ubpd ex husband has narcissistic traits as well and is a pathological liar too. Isn't it fun? "Their audacious expectations are mind numbing." You know what always got to me was I felt like I was always being set up to fail just so he could say "a-ha....see you don't love me, you can't even....you won't even...." There was no way I could pass his tests because they were designed to not be passable. Anyway, welcome again, we look forward to communing with you!! OFO
	One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis


2bad	Feb 14 2010, 11:40 PM Post #7
Over 1000 posts Posts: 1,043 Group: Moderator Member #4,892 Joined: March 8, 2009	I hear you on the unpassable tests. And the unanswerable questions. Always, relentlessly. I don't miss it one bit.
	I'm not hyper, I'm enthusiastic.


truthonlypls	Feb 15 2010, 03:30 AM Post #8
Over 10 posts Posts: 90 Group: Active Member Member #5,345 Joined: February 14, 2010	Hi... Thanks for the welcome, everyone. And really, the mess my life is (although it can always be worse) I think I will preface everything as... I'm not recommending, just sharing and trying to get ideas or at least someone who can identify and try to help me find the humor or (maybe?) confirm that I'm not crazy. OFO, you must know my stbx! Uhg! I'm sorry you can identify. His psychiatrist told me to disengage, too, so FreeAtLast, we're on the same page there. It's hard though, sometimes.
	Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. -- Oscar Wilde

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