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| Back-paddlin' -- Reel me in! | |
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| Topic Started: Feb 24 2010, 11:23 PM (460 Views) | |
| FreeAtLast | Feb 24 2010, 11:23 PM Post #1 |
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Hey guys. I'm getting sucked back in with the email's from H3LL and have recently fallen back into the trap of responding to more than I need to. Geez. It just "happens" before I even know it. He sure knows how to get a reaction out of me! So, I'm looking to you guys to help me "reel it in" as I say. Some time ago, one of you suggested a website or article about this very subject: responding to emails. Any idea what or where that was? I need a refresher (and I really need to paste the Da$M thing on my forehead!!!) Thanks everyone. I've thought about this site and all of you on and off all day today. I knew I was struggling with Wacko and his emails and all that is going on. I immediately thought "I"m going to post tonight. I know OOTF (the website) will know what to do!" YOu all are an amazing resource and I'm glad I found you. Ok. Enough sappy stuff. REEL me in. Why can't I just keep moving forward? It's like I "get it" and do great for a week or so, then I end up right back in the throws of it.  See ya. |
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| gary | Feb 24 2010, 11:39 PM Post #2 |
Over 1000 posts
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Do me a quick favor because It's impossible for me to keep straight everyones exact situation. Put it in a neat little nutshell.....sorry and thanks.  as soon as I see it it will come back to me. |
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My Book: "That Soul Belongs To Me" My Web Site: Gary Walters Photography My Blog: http://gawalters.com/blog/ " I started out with nothing and have most of it left " | |
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| oneflewover | Feb 24 2010, 11:45 PM Post #3 |
Over 1000 posts
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It's okay, it happens. We have all been there and done that, and still do from time to time. Our emotions are usually still vested in some kind of way and what they say and do incites a reaction from us because of those emotions. I learned that the better handle I got on my emotional ties/connection with my ex the better skilled I became in my dialogue and reactions to my ex. Before responding, try this exercise....set the email aside for a period of time. Really aside, like a day or two if you can. Those instant responses is where we can lack discipline and lose control with our exchange with them. So if you can step back and let it settle some and then come back to it, refreshed and composed and then really evaluate whether or not a response is even necessary and if so, keeping those emotions in check when you do. Choosing your words carefully, weighing facts from feelings, and keeping it solely to the issues at hand and NOT the emotions tied to those issues can really help. Look, it is so very easy to react to them, because they set it up that way. They want to engage us, they want to incite us, they want provocation and reaction. They feed off of that. Giving ourselves a pause when things are still quite emotional still and the disconnect it not fully there yet will aid in us not getting so sucked in so quickly. Once sucked it, it is absurd how we can let go of our own faculties at that point and find ourselves in crazy land too--it is that easy. The key is to not get sucked in and the only way to do that is to pause and ponder....!! |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| FreeAtLast | Feb 25 2010, 07:46 AM Post #4 |
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Over 10 posts
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got it OFO. You are completely right on, as usual. I even thought of that on my way home yesterday. Like "why did you even respond???"!! I will heed your advice and take the time to "sit" on the mail before firing off a response. The delay, though, will further infuriate him -- but it seems just about everything does. Did you happen to recall that article about email responses?? I can't find it. Haggis might know... I'll check in later. |
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| 2bad | Feb 25 2010, 08:34 AM Post #5 |
Over 1000 posts
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I just want to add in a thought about something you just said, that delaying will further infuriate him. Just about any bounday that you set will infuriate him. But it doesn't mean it doesn't need to be set. If it's not an e-mail delay, it WILL be something else. He is just angry and trying any method at all to still have control and get you to go back to the way you were. So, you sit on an e-mail. You set that boundary to give yourself time to respond in a more productive way. That is about doing what is right for YOU, not letting him still be in control. So even though it feelsstrange to handle it that way, I would still recommend that you do it. Breaking out of those old habits DOES feel strange at first, but it does geteasier in time. I can assure you that it does. It just takes doing it over and over again until you establish it as your new regular way of doing it. But I can tell you that if you are consistant and don't deviate, they will finally stop. If you occsionally give in, it just reinforces the bad behavior. OK, that's all I have to say on that matter. 
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| oneflewover | Feb 25 2010, 10:46 AM Post #6 |
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Over 1000 posts
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Who cares about him, this is not about him, although the goal with him is to keep him diffused as much as possible to make your life easier. This is about you and getting skilled at controlling "your" emotional reactions around him, who is an emotional wrecker. Yes, of course the less we react, the less they have to go with. Their steam runs out. But really it always comes down to us, we have to re-condition so much that has been prewired with hanging around them. They say or do something crazy and we defend or try to rationalize. It can go back and forth and back and forth. So the next time they say something crazy, we have to NOT defend (unless legally relevant too) and not rationalize. Defending only makes us look crazy and rationalize, well, you can't with someone who does not have these skills!!
No, I am not familiar with that, but am curious if anyone can offer it up again for us to read! |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| Haggis | Feb 25 2010, 12:01 PM Post #7 |
Over 1000 posts
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Sorry FAL I'm not sure which article you mean. We do have an article on baiting and one on circular conversations (find links via the glossary) I'd say only send emails that communicate critical urgent info regarding kids HEMS - health education maintenance support. Limit to one sentence. Everything else is just feuling the fire. Maybe you meant ourfamilywizard.com website? But you also need him to be on board with that |
| Often wrong but never in doubt. | |
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| oneflewover | Feb 25 2010, 12:59 PM Post #8 |
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Over 1000 posts
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 Honestly, if you can "get" into that kind of mindset and keep the topics limited to HEMS (love that Haggis btw, not heard it broken down like that before) then things should settle down for "you". |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| FreeAtLast | Feb 25 2010, 04:03 PM Post #9 |
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Over 10 posts
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Got it guys. At least I HEAR you. As you know the tough part is following through. But, on a positive note, he did send another nutty email about a Scouting event for our older son this weekend. The initial question was "Are you taking him or not?" -- followed by a paragraph about how I don't share information, or the boys uniforms or Scout stuff, how I neglected our younger son on his birthday, yada, yada. I responded "No, I am not taking him. This is your weekend with the boys." How'd I do??? |
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| FreeAtLast | Feb 25 2010, 04:05 PM Post #10 |
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Over 10 posts
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Here's what I was thinking of: www.highconflictintervention.com Click on Resources at the top, then "how to Ex communicate". Very helpful for me. |
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| oneflewover | Feb 25 2010, 04:16 PM Post #11 |
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Over 1000 posts
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I think you did fine. Short, without emotions, and relevant to the issue at hand. Good for you! |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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| FreeAtLast | Feb 25 2010, 09:16 PM Post #12 |
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Over 10 posts
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Thanks. Here's his email to me -- on the discussion about Scouts for our oldest. "We are no longer participating in Scouts this year nor do I suggest any of us you continue to do it part time as experienced last year. It is unfair for Kyle to not be prepared for his events or withhold materials and event information from his father. This will also eliminate the need to pawn off our younger son to a babysitter and risk future injuries. We will not alter schedules for activities that I have not agreed to. I have agreed to sign the boys up for spring (Rush) soccer. Looking forward to the boys having their own activities that can be easily shared and hopefully you and your attorney will keep this simple activity discussion out of the courtroom. Please do not fill up my e-mail with scouting activity or future discussions on this subject." Nice, huh? So, for the past year, he has taken our oldest son to 2 Scout meetings, total. In my defense (and yes, I still feel like I have to defend myself), I have passed along every single Scout notice as well as his uniform or projects, whatever. Every weekend -- since May 2009. Further, he is on the email distribution list directly from the Scout Master so Wacko receives every single email and update that I do about every thing going on... Je$us, he just makes me nuts. UUUGGGHHH!! So, it breaks my heart that Wacko will not participate in son's Scouts. I asked our son and he has explicitly stated he wants to continue on in Scouts. So, what to do? Do I continue to try to do Scouts part-time -- when I have him, or do I just let it go? I mean, Scouts is very time consuming and takes ALOT of effort. It really should not be done "1/2 time" to get the most out of it. So, do I make it easy on myself and drop Scouts, even if our son wants to continue on? Or, do I try to do it part-time? If so, what do I tell our son as to why he will miss every other weekend events? If I leave it up to Wacko to explain to him, he'll just tell him that "mommy wouldn't share your stuff, so we can't go". I'm quite sure that is what he'll say and I don't want that sort of message relayed to our son -- who is already struggling to adapt to the divorce and has heard some pretty terrible (and untrue) things about me. And (still venting here --- sorry), in regards to soccer, I told Wacko I would look into it for the spring, but that I wasn't sure if I would be able to get both boys to practices on 2 different nights a week, plus 2 games on Saturdays. And, since they are with me full time, the practices would fall on me. Wacko said he'd take them to their games on the weekends he has them. That's nice, I guess. So, I told him I needed to look into it and find out the practice times, etc. to see if I could swing it or not. I do work full time Mon-Fri. So, per his email, I don't know if he signed them up already or not. I doubt it since it costs money and I'm sure he deferred that to me. Ok. So, do I sign them up for soccer since Wacko demands it? (I know that is not the right answer!). But, if I don't sign them up, I'm sure he'll tell the boys that it is mommy's fault they couldn't play soccer. It seems that everything is always my fault (or someone's fault besides his fault). Sorry to make a long post out of this nonsense about sports. I know it is trivial. But, really this is just another thing I have to deal with every day with him. Kudos to me... I didn't respond to his email. Didn't see a need to. Thoughts? Advice? ugh. I need some stress relief.... |
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| 2bad | Feb 25 2010, 09:58 PM Post #13 |
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Over 1000 posts
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My suggestion. Dear Ex, If you are unwilling to continue with Scouts during your time, that is your perogative. I may still take him on my time if he feels it is something he really wants to do. I would hate to take away something that he has enjoyed, but will not expect your participation during you time with the boys. "We will not alter schedules for activities that I have not agreed to." That makes perfect sense to me. Therefore, regarding spring soccer, I will see if all of the practice times are compatible with our current schedule, as I had mentioned previously. If it is something that I can accomodate, I will gladly agree to them participating. If not, we will have to see if there is another activity that might work better. Sincerely, FreeAtLast |
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| Haggis | Feb 25 2010, 11:06 PM Post #14 |
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Over 1000 posts
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I suppose if you want something short and sweet you could always throw his own line back at him:
 edited to say - I see 2bad already beat me to the punchline - great minds think alike eh 2bad? Edited by Haggis, Feb 25 2010, 11:07 PM.
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| Often wrong but never in doubt. | |
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| oneflewover | Feb 25 2010, 11:51 PM Post #15 |
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Over 1000 posts
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LOL! Unfortunately those kind of punchlines seem to go right over their heads! He probably would never make the connection to his own hypocrisy! You know, these kind of extracurricular activity issues are so damn frustrating for many where the other parent does not cooperate at all with anything. I have seen Judges actually punish a parent with removing their possession time by not consistently taking their child to an activity. I am curious, does your temporary orders allot for any language regarding extracurricular activities? If not, consider that being in your final orders. Scouts is such a cool thing to be involved in for your son and probably so instrumental too to see strong Scout Master dads to role model and learn from (where PD dad may fail). What would be worse on your son, not participating altogether or missing every other week? What a bummer either way.
Do what is best for "your" family unit. If this is something that works schedule wise for you, and for the boys, great, if not, then that is that. It's your call, not wacko's. Otherwise, he can be more proactive about it. |
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One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest ~Alis volat propriis | |
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11:22 AM Sep 9